I have a special hate for the term “beer snob”.
People who use the term, 99 times out of a 100, don’t have a damn clue what a snob actually is. When you hear someone get called a beer snob, it’s not because they scoff so hard their suspenders fall off when they see you drinking a 7.2% IPA instead of a 6.2%. It’s because you don’t drink shit-tier, piss-water, frat-ogre beer.
And that’s the only reason.
If I walk up to you and call you a “snob” for enjoying a delicious steak instead of hemorrhaging yourself stupid off of McDonalds quarter-pounders, you’d call me an asshole, and be completely right. But for some reason, as soon as I turn down a beer that comes with a “Vortex-Filtered Swirly Neck Thing” and has the consistency (and taste) of dish water, I’m suddenly the asshole. I suddenly get the “oh, you think you’re better than me because you don’t willingly drink garbage?” look. And you know what?
I think I’m better than you if you drink crappy beer, just like I’d think I was better than you if all you ate was Cheetos and pre-made frosting from those little cardboard containers.
However, just because a beer’s on the cheaper side doesn’t mean it can’t not suck. Usually I despise fruity beers because they taste like a juice box with an iota of beer in it, but someone turned me onto a cheaper grapefruit beer that actually didn’t completely offend me. Hopefully you’ll like the beer blondies I made with it.
Here’s what you need:
- ½ cup Ruby Redbird Shiner Bock (promise I’m not a shill for them, it just…happens to be pretty damn tasty)
- 1 stick (1/2 cup) butter, room temperature
- 1 cup sugar
- ½ cup packed dark brown sugar
- 1 ½ cups AP flour
- 2 eggs
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon salt
- ½ tablespoon cinnamon
- 1 tablespoon grapefruit zest
- 1 cup pecans, roughly chopped
Here’s how you do it:
First, preheat your oven to 350.
Put the butter and both sugars in a stand mixer and beat for about three minutes on medium, until everything’s nice and fluffy.
Beat in the first egg, followed by the second. Throw in the vanilla last.
Whisk together the flour and salt in a small bowl, and alternate mixing it in with the beer on low.
Heat up a small pan on medium heat, then throw the pecans and cinnamon in and toss ‘em around a bit. Toast them until they…well, until they smell toasted, and put them on a plate to cool. It shouldn’t take more than a minute, and honestly; it ain’t rocket science. If it smells toasty and delicious, take it off the heat. If it smells burnt, you fucked up. Just don’t be an idiot about it.
Fold in the grapefruit zest and toasted pecans into the batter.
Get an 8×8 square baking pan and spray it with non-stick, then pour the batter in. Throw it in the oven for 30-35 minutes, check it with the good ol’ toothpick test, and let it cool for a bit.
Eat it. Preferably not the entire sheet of blondies, but hey: I probably won’t judge.
This week, be a fatass with beats from Ryo Sonoda. It’s Smoker’s Lament:
If you work at a factory all night and use the majority of your paycheck to feed your kids and pay your mortgage, and you want an affordable bottle of something that says “beer” on it, I’m not gonna look down on you. Just because you can’t afford some micro-craft-ale-stuff a group of bearded people made with 80 kinds of hops doesn’t mean you don’t deserve something after trying not to have your hands cut off by a band saw for 12 straight hours.
But if you’re one of those trust fund kiddos who’s too creatively void to think of a beer that doesn’t have its own fucking sign at a football stadium, you can do better. We both know you can do better. And I’m gonna damn well let you know you can do better when you call me out for not being a lazy piece of shit like you.
Order your liquid failure if you want. Just don’t call me a “snob” for not doing it too.
I’ll see you next time.