The Pastel

6 Jul


Naming drinks is a catch 22.  Either you come up with something that describes it perfectly, but makes you sound like an asshole anytime you try to order it at a bar, or you have to go with something generic like “Grapefruit Gin Spritzer” that sounds like it belongs at a book club consisting exclusively of novels Oprah mentioned once.

It’s even more of a pain when you’re trying to name something with absinthe in it (or in this case, Pernod: the O’Douls of absinthe).  Lord knows if the name doesn’t have the words green or fairy or devil in it some fedora-topped mouth is gonna yammer on for an hour about how you’re not appreciating a culture neither of you neither knows nor cares about.

So I went with The Pastel.  Does it sound kind of pretentious?  Sure.  But find me a drink that doesn’t and I’ll point you to the nearest sorority girl throat it’s probably being throttled down via a plastic dollar store squirt gun.  It’s a drink with something vaguely pink in it, and something green in it, and those are pastel colors, so there you have it.  The Pastel.  No I don’t think Manet drank this shit, I just took the tenuous grasp my dichromatic (it’s a kind of color-blindness, look it up people) ass has on colors and winged it.

Just don’t try to order it at a bar yet.  You might get some looks, and not the good kind.      

Here’s what you need:

–          2 oz gin

–          1 dash dry vermouth

–          1 dash Pernot

–          Top generously with Grapefruit Perrier

Here’s what you do:

First, get a rocks glass (yes, I know that isn’t a rocks glass up there, quiet down), and put a few ice cubes in there.

Add the gin, vermouth, and Pernot, in that order.

Pour the Perrier on top.  Now there’s a very important reason why you’re not getting all Roger Moore with this shit and shaking it up.  Three, actually.

First, if you put fizzy stuff in a shaker and shake it, it’s gonna explode all over your face.  Welcome to basic chemistry, folks.

Second, that fizzy stuff is gonna do the mixing for you: once you pour it in and start drinking, the bubbles will move everything around until all the ingredients are just where they need to be.

Third, shaking up drinks that don’t have anything non-alcoholic in them (i.e. juice) makes them taste like crap.  Leave the foam for the fruity stuff, folks.

You can shuffle up this week’s track as much as you want, though.  It’s American Gazaway with his take on music from Yasiin Bey and Marvin Gaye.  Check out Living for the Funk (feat. Toshi):


I’ll be honest: it’s hard to do what I do and not sound like an asshole.  The line between boring and pretentious is slim and probably wearing stupid-looking hipster-y suspenders.  It’s my job to try to find that line and not look like a complete idiot in the process, and I feel like most of the time I get it right.  But when you’ve got a drink that’s got vermouth and fucking Perrier in it…it’s tough.   So give this drink a try, and then complain about the name.  Or give five of them a try and forget it.

Truthfully, I’m hoping for the latter.

I’ll see you next time.


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