I’m not really one for…”natural” medicine.
Sure, I can appreciate a good bowl of chicken soup or a hot cup of earl grey when I’m busy blowing my own personal toxic waste dump out of my nose, but that’s about my limit. As soon as you start using the words “ancient”, “mystical”, “crystal”, or “rhino horn powder” around me, I’m immediately qualified to tell you to get the hell out of my kitchen. This is 2014, not the beginning of fucking Macbeth.
But, like most things, my hypocritical ass has one exception: ginger. Unlike those other “home remedies” you learned from one old lady telling another lady telling you; ginger works. Every. Single. Time. It gets rid of nausea, it cleans out your sinuses, it’s healthy as all hell, and it’s got the added bonus of being freaking delicious.
It’s a shame, then, that most people hear ginger and think that over-sweetened bubbly shit you drink with some saltines when you’re making love to the porcelain gods, instead of the glory that is pure, unadulterated ginger root. Nothing, nothing on this earth beats a little of that stuff grated into a mug of chai, or worked into some roasted broccoli. It’s medicine that tastes good and doesn’t come from an endangered animal.
Embrace it, damnit.
Here’s what you need:
– 3 cups rolled oats
– 1 cup hulled pumpkin seeds
– 1 cup hulled sunflower seeds
– 1 cup shredded coconut
– 1 1/4 cup coarsely chopped pecans
– 3/4 cup maple syrup
– 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
– 1/2 cup packed light-brown sugar
– a pinch of salt (smoked salt works great if you can find it)
– ½ cup finely chopped candied ginger (make sure it’s chopped small, this stuff’s powerful, so you don’t want a giant hunk of it blasting your nose open while you read the morning paper)
– ½ cup dried cranberries
– 3 tablespoons matcha green tea powder
– 1 tablespoon freshly grated ginger
– 1 teaspoon ground ginger
– 1 ½ teaspoons cinnamon
First, preheat your oven to 300.
Next, put everything but the candied ginger and cranberries in a bowl and stir together.
Throw some parchment paper onto a rimmed baking sheet and pour the granola on there. Make sure you spread it out evenly.
Put the granola in the oven for 15 minutes, then take it out and stir it around a bit.
Put it back in for another 15, stir it again, then stir in the cranberries and candied ginger.
Give it another 15, take it out, and let it cool. Then break up the granola with a giant wooden spoon or a mallet or a medieval-era flail or something.
Pour it on some yogurt, shove it in your mouth, repeat. It’s that simple.
Break up your morning with some fresh beats from Johnson&Jonson. It’s Wow!:
Listen, I get that tradition and beliefs are a thing (and if you ingrates have been paying attention, you’d know I know that). If your Grandma told you that drinking a glass of sour milk and a shot of floor cleaner makes your flu go away, and that doesn’t immediately raise a red flag for you, have at it. But if you really want something that’ll make you feel better, and won’t kill you, call me.
I make house calls.
See you next time.