Smores are awesome.
That’s pretty undebatable, uncontroversial. There’s a lovingly toasted marshmallow (or, if you’re
lazy adventurous like me, briefly flaming marshmallow), melted chocolate, and a cracker originally designed to keep people from masturbating (look it up!). How could you go wrong?
The answer is having smores at a party. That’s how you can go wrong. That right there.
So here’s the thing. Campfire smores? Absolutely. You already got the fire, you have the sticks, it practically invents itself. And, of course, there’s the ever-popular “crowd around the gas burner at the stove and alright kids you can have two marshmallows but that’s it and JESUS LINDSEY WILL YOU GIVE YOUR BROTHER SOME F$%&ING ROOM” type of smores. There’s even, as of recently-ish times, the semi-fancy restaurant type where they bring you a small burner at your table and pray you don’t realize you just spent $9.50 on two Hershey bars.
But having them at a party…bad idea. And I realized this, of course, after the fact, and after the two hour spectacle that was drunk people trying to deal with the winning combination of fire and extremely hot molten marshmallows. Hilarious to watch, less so if you’re on the consumer end of things. Turns out smores, like most slightly dangerous yet inherently pleasurable things, are best handled in a not-so-volatile and not-so-vomity environment.
Here’s what you need:
– 2 1/2 cups + 2 tablespoons AP Flour
– 1 sort-of-packed cup dark brown sugar (push the sugar down a little bit, just don’t jam it in there)
– 1 teaspoon baking soda
– 3/4 teaspoon sea salt
– 7 tablespoons cold, unsalted butter
– 1/3 cup maple syrup
– 1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon milk
– 2 tablespoons vanilla extract
– 3 tablespoons sugar
– 1 teaspoons cinnamon
– 3/4 cup water
– 1/2 cup water
– 2 cups sugar
– 2 tablespoons gelatin
– 1/8 teaspoon salt
– 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
– 1/2 tablespoon cinnamon
– 2 cups powdered sugar
– 10 oz. dark chocolate squares (get 72% dark if you can, trust me on this)
Here’s what you do:
First you’re gonna do the marshmallows, since those have to be in the freezer overnight. Yes, that seems weird, but that’s the way it is and I don’t know science, so I don’t question it.
Put the gelatin and 1/2 cup of water in your stand mixer bowl.
Bring the other 3/4 cup of water to a slow boil in a small pot and stir in the regular sugar (NOT the powdered sugar) until it dissolves. Keep it on medium for another 15 minutes and give it a few occasional stirs. If you see it starting to crystallize on the sides, STOP. Get it the hell off of the burner and go right to the next step, otherwise you’ll have some lumpy, weird-looking marshmallows on your hands.
Pour the liquid sugar into your stand mixer with the gelatin, put it on low, and let it go for 30 minutes. Add the vanilla when it’s 5 minutes from being done.
Once the marshmallow’s done marshmallowing, line a tupperware with wax paper and coat it with some powdered sugar, then pour the marshmallow in and stick it in the freezer overnight.
After the marshmallows have had a chance to chill, take them out, cut them into vaguely marshmallow-ish shapes, and throw them in a bowl with the powdered sugar. Toss them around until they’re nice and coated, shake off the excess, and put them in a container while you start the graham crackers.
For the graham crackers, put the flour, baking soda, salt, and brown sugar in your stand mixer bowl and mix.
Put the butter in and keep mixing on low until it forms a coarse meal. If you don’t know exactly what that means, just imagine cornmeal. Then imagine it a little thicker. There ya go.
Get yourself another small bowl and whisk together the maple syrup, milk, and vanilla. Then add that to the stand mixer and set it to low until everything’s mixed together.
Roll out a big piece of plastic wrap and dust it with flour, then put the dough on it. Roll the dough out so it forms a rectangle about 1 inch thick, then wrap it up and stick it in the fridge for a couple hours.
Once the dough’s chilled, set your oven to 350. Then, get something flat, dust it with a little flour, and put half of the dough on it. Roll it out even thinner, to about 1/8 of an inch, and cut it into 1 1/2 inch squares. Or whatever the hell size you want, it’s a freaking smore, it doesn’t really matter.
Do the same for the other half of the dough, and put the squares on a couple parchment-lined baking sheets. Then, mix the sugar and cinnamon together and sprinkle it over the tops of the soon-to-be crackers.
Stick them in the oven for 25 minutes, with one sheet on the top rack and one in the middle. Switch them around when they’re halfway done.
Let the crackers cool for 5 minutes, then put a square of chocolate on top, toast up some marshmallows, and dig the hell in.
This week’s winterfresh beats come from Oddisee, with a little track called Paralyzed:
Being Suzy Homemaker’s hard, alright? Yeah, you want to throw the perfect party and make the perfect snacks and get a trillion likes on an instagram or whatever, but life doesn’t work that way. Life turns into people spraying your face with light beer-spittle when they’re asking why they can’t just shove chocolate into their mouth because marshmallows are too complicated. So if you’re having some drunk people over…stick to the chips. But if it’s snowing outside and you happen to have a mug of hot cocoa handy: smores. Smores all goddamn day.
I’ll see you next time.