There’s a lot of feelings behind these cookies, a lot of backstory.
On the one hand, I love skillet cookies (most people call them no-bake cookies, but my mom called them skillet cookies when I was little so…they’re skillet cookies. Backstory, remember?). These were the cookies we left out for Santa to bribe him into giving me a shiny new Nintendo Whatever-It-Was-That-Year. These were the cookies I saw my dad, an ostensibly grown man, dig through the trash for. In short…these were some good goddamned cookies.
On the other hand…I hate caramel. HATE it.
And I’m not talking about the taste, I love that. Caramel as a thing I can put in my mouth and drizzle on ice cream? Amazing.
But making it…dear god is that the most awful thing in the world. You basically take sugar, cream, and a few other things, put it in a pot, and boil it. This does two very distinct things.
1. It makes the whole pot want to bubble over like crazy.
2. It turns the mixture from sugar and cream into sticky, molten-hot candy lava.
As you can see from common fucking sense, those two don’t make a very good combination. In fact they make a very bad, very burny combination.
So, yes, I decided to cover something I love with something I hate, and made Turtle Skillet Cookies. Freud would have a field day with this shit, I swear.
Here’s what you need:
– 2 cups sugar
– 1/4 cup cocoa powder
– 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
– 1/2 cup milk
– 1 cup creamy peanut butter (get the fake stuff, something that has it’s own commercial, not that organic crap)
– 1 tablespoon vanilla
– 3 cups quick oats
– 1/4 cup salted peanuts
– 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) unsalted butter
– 3/4 cups heavy cream
– 1 cups sugar
– 1/4 teaspoon salt
– 1/4 cup light corn syrup
– 3/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
Here’s what you do:
This is the easy part.
First, get yourself a big pan and add in the sugar, butter, milk and cocoa.
Bring it all to a boil, then stir and let it keep boiling for a minute.
Take the pan off heat, then add the rest of the ingredients. This is why you’re using quick oats and not regular oats, folks: because they’re not actually gonna cook. They’re just there to hold everything together and make it a cookie instead of a formless blob of goo. Unless you feel like chewing on uncooked oats in the middle of your chocolate/peanut butter goodness, use the quick ones.
After everything’s all stirred together, get a big piece of wax paper and lay it over a baking sheet. Then use a spoon to drop roughly tablespoon-sized globs of the stuff on the wax paper, and let it cool down while you make the caramel.
And…now the not so easy part.
Get another, slightly-smaller pan and put everything in it except the vanilla. Make sure the pan isn’t too small, because like I said, this stuff has a tendency to want to boil over on you, and it will burn the ever-loving crap out of you if it does.
Turn the heat to low and stir until the sugar is fully-dissolved.
Stick a candy thermometer in your pan and keep cooking until it reaches 245, making sure to give it a stir every once in a while. This is the part where it’s gonna boil up, so for god’s sake KEEP AN EYE ON IT.
Once it’s reached 245, add in the vanilla and drizzle the caramel over the tops of your cookies. You’ll probably have some caramel left over, so just spray a container with non-stick spray and pour it in there. Let it reach room temperature (and that means room temperature, not “pretty cold but still kinda warm and aw hell I guess I’ll eat it anyway”. If you try it that way it’ll stick to EVERYTHING. One of those things is the roof of your mouth. Think about that) then cut it into small pieces and wrap them in wax paper.
And speaking of wax, check out this week’s chunk of vinyl goodness. It’s N.E.R.D. with Chariot of Fire:
I could do my usual thing and talk wise about how memories make things taste better or the history of caramel or some such nonsense. But I’m not gonna do that. Because no matter how thinky i could get on here, it doesn’t erase the fact that I saw a grown man dig in the trash for these cookies. Honestly, what kind of endorsement could possibly even come close to that? I’m just gonna put my keyboard and walk away from that sad, sad fat man perfection. No use in even trying, folks.
See you next time.