Soft Frosted Sugar Cookies

21 Mar

152

Part XXX: Hide and Tail

When your photographer suddenly gets a real-people job (how dare she) it makes it a bit harder to get these things done on time.  This was supposed to be for the Super Bowl, as you could probably tell from the oppressively cheery pastel colors and lack of cheap, watery “beer”.

I hate the Super Bowl.  I know I’m not the only one, that I’m not a special little pigskin-hating flower.  But it’s the truth.  I hate the sport itself, I hate the blind, stupid culture behind it, and when the two intertwine into a 300 million dollar spectacle of half-assed Pepsi ads and undead halftime shows, it produces the purest of rage in my black, non-existent heart.

That right there is precisely why I make it a point, year after year, to hijack the one tolerable aspect of the Super Bowl:  the parties.  Even though the whole big ceremony is a sacrifice to mediocre sport, I will eat up those sacrificial offerings like the delicious, barbecue sauce-soaked morsels that they are, and there’s not a thing you all can do about it.  I don’t even pretend to like one of the teams over the other.  Matt Hasselback?  All I know is baby back ribs.  And it’s the blatancy of it all, the brazenness, that makes those nachos and beer taste all the better.  They might as well be cheese-coated communion wafers, as far as I’m concerned.

Unfortunately, there does tend to be a price of admission to these things, so I attempted to make some cookies that were vaguely football-related to appease the host of this thing.  They ended up being decidedly un-football-related, but still delicious.  Whoops.

Here’s what you need:

Cookies:

– 2 1/2 cups flour

– 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

– 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

– 1 stick (1/2 cup) room temperature butter

– 1 cup granulated sugar

– 1 1/2 eggs

– 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 3/4 cups light sour cream (I know this is the part where I usually preach the gospel of Greek yogurt, but stick with the sour cream on this one.  For texture’s sake.)

Frosting:

– 1 stick (1/2 cup) room temperature butter

– 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 2 cups powdered sugar

– heavy cream

– Jello, whatever flavors you want.  Get the fruity kind, not the pudding.

Here’s how you do it:

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First, whisk all that flour together in a bowl with the baking soda and powder.  You’re mostly whisking to lighten up the texture of the flour, so don’t stop just because the baking soda/powder are mixed in.  Keep going.

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Get your stand mixer out (it should always be out) and cream the butter and sugar together for 3 minutes on medium speed.

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Beat in the eggs one at a time, then add the vanilla and sour cream at low speed until everything’s combined.

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Add all the dry stuff and add it in at low for 30 seconds, until it’s just barely combined.  That means combined, not smooth.

If it’s too sticky, add a bit of flour to make it rollable with a rolling pin.  If it’s too dry, add water.  If it’s cold, give it a sensual back massage.  You get the idea.

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Divide the dough in half and roll both halves into 1 1/2 inch-thick rectangles.  Stick them on a baking sheet, cover them with plastic wrap, and throw them in the fridge overnight.

The next morning, preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

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Get some flour on a work area and rolling pin/heavy roundish thing and roll the dough till it’s about 1/4 of an inch thick.  Use whatever fancy-ass cookie cutter you have lying around and make pretty shapes out of the dough.  Do flowers or gordian knots or something, I don’t really care.

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Stick them in the oven for 7-8 minutes, until you see just a bit of that golden-brownness, and mix up some frosting in the meantime.

The frosting was…troublesome.  I’ll admit that.  Genius me read about someone on the great wide Internet who mixed in Jello powder with frosting, and got deliciously colored, flavored liquid sugar.  “Perfect!”, I thought.  Mix some powder together and I’ll have awesome-looking cookies on my hands.  The problem turned out to be the execution.  See, to get all those nice colors you have to mix four different types of frosting.  Separately.  And you have to do it in a stand mixer, or they’ll turn out grainy like mine did.  I don’t have a clear, un-annoying solution to that, but for now I’d suggest just picking one color and sticking with it.  I’m truly sorry you won’t get your super-fun football colors for the game.  Really, I’ll be up at night weeping openly about it.

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Anyways, the frosting.  Y’all know the drill here: throw the butter and vanilla in a stand mixer and cream them together.

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Add the powdered sugar and slowly add it in, then add the Jello.  Pour in the heavy cream one tablespoon at a time until it’s nice and spreadable.

After that, let the cookies cool, spread your frosting, and you’re done.  Now you go get to drink Miller Lite and yell at a TV or something.

Or you can sit back and let this play instead.  It’s Blu & Exile featuring Andy Allo with Ease Your Mind:

It’s always worth it to get yourself into a party with mountains of good food, even if you have to fake it.  Personally, I think it’s way easier to bake up some cookies than having to paint your body purple or walk around with a helmet on.  They taste way better than a mouthguard, at least.  Enjoy the party, readers.

Recipe’s from this respectable lady:

http://www.thenovicechefblog.com/2011/08/i-sprinkles/

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One Response to “Soft Frosted Sugar Cookies”

  1. Rondazar March 25, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

    Wonder what would happen if you just sprinkled the jello over the frosting, sort of as if it were sanding sugar.

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