Bite-Sized Beats #13: Podiums

4 Mar

SANDWICH RANKING TIERS

God-tier:

Banh Mi:  Like I’ve not so quietly mentioned before (hint, hint: like here), this is the queen of sandwiches.  Perfectly bright and crisp vegetables, savory meat and sometimes pâté, and all of it on a buttery baguette.  Nothing in this world is better.

Reuben:  A lot of people try to get wise and screw with this beauty, so get it right: corned beef (pastrami’s also acceptable), thousand island, sauerkraut, and rye bread.  Anything else, especially the Rachel (coleslaw? are you kidding me?) is blasphemy.

Monte Cristo:  And then the exact opposite.  Ham and gruyere (it’s better than swiss, trust me), a little dijon, and two slices of french toast.  Cover it in powdered sugar, dip in jam, and ascend to the hallowed halls of flavor.  Meat and jam with french toast sounds like a hell of bizarre proposition at first, but you’ll change your mind after one bite.  Or ten.

Mid-tier:

Roast beef with horseradish:  It’s a simple combination, but that’s not a bad thing.  Extra points if the roast beef is nice and thick, and has just a bit of pink color to it.

Anything from Publix:  Good GAWD.  Not only do they have all the tasty selections ready for you to drool-point at, they will make freaking anything you want.  I had them make a chicken cordon bleu sub one time, and they didn’t even flinch.  That’s ridiculousness in the best of ways.

Peanut butter and jelly:  Long the staple of culinarily confused bachelors and overall sad people in the States, the PB&J is nontheless a classic here for a reason.  After all, peanut butter is a thoroughly American invention (props to Mr. Carver, y’all), and jam/jelly’s a staple in France and England…stealing the latter to add to our own just makes sense.  Think of it as colonization between two slices of bread.

Crap-tier:

Ham and cheese:  Boring as hell.  Next.

Bologna and yellow mustard:  Two points on this one.

A:  There’r way, way better deli meats than bologna.  Honey-roasted ham, roast beef, salami, pastrami, ANYTHING but rubbery, gross bologna would be an improvement.

B:  Yellow mustard is at the absolute bottom of the mustard food chain.  Go for dijon, honey mustard, beer mustard, brown deli.  Not yellow.  Please not yellow.

Lunchables:  …get out.

And since this is still a Bite-Sized Beat, it’s the perfect opportunity to drop a song here without explaining it in the slightest.  Here’s Kendrick Lamar and Dr. Dre with The Recipe:

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3 Responses to “Bite-Sized Beats #13: Podiums”

  1. Chunky Brewster (@kinkythought) March 4, 2013 at 7:03 pm #

    I’m gonna challenge your ham + cheese assessment with deli honey ham and pimiento cheese on fresh baguette. Try it.

    • Scott Greenberg March 4, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

      I think we both know that pimiento cheese doesn’t count as a real cheese. That being said, that sounds effing DELICIOUS and I’m totally gonna try it post-haste.

  2. Rondazar March 4, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    I absolutely agree with you (mostly). However, you neglected to mention the BLT. BLTs made by most restaurants are meh. Homemade, with natural applewood smoked bacon, great bread, and good tomatoes are awesome!!

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