Part XI: Welcome to the Pastel Dreamland
Grapefruit is the unwanted, awkward cousin of the citrus world. Every Summer people break out the frostiness in massive quantities, to the point where you might as well take an IV bag full of lemonade and jam it up your urethra, because that’s basically what’s gonna happen in between games of marco polo and “goddamnit watermelon seeds”. But it’s never grapefruit. Nobody wants anything to do with grapefruit. Just try this little experiment on your kids:
“Hey kids, fresh lemonade!” “Yayyyyyy”
“Hey kids, Key Lime Pie!” “Yayyyyyy”
“Hey kids, grapefruit granata!” “MEH.”
Y’kno what that experiment proves? Kids are idiots. If you walk through my front door with a runny nose and yell “I CAN SPELL TO FIVE”, your opinion doesn’t matter. Period. Tell your kids they’re wrong, and make some Grapefruit Cupcakes with Mint Buttercream Frosting. And don’t give them any. Tell them they can eat their gold star if they’re hungry.
Here’s what you need:
-1 1/2 cups flour
-1/2 teaspoon salt
-1/4 teaspoon baking soda
-1/4 teaspoon baking powder
-1 1/4 cups sugar
-1 stick softened butter
-1/3 cup Greek yogurt (go with Fage, because it’s better, and I said so)
-2 tablespoons milk
-1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
-1/2 teaspoon peppermint extract
-3 drops green food coloring
-1 stick softened butter
-1/2 cup cream cheese
-1 cup powdered sugar
Here’s how you do it:
Set your oven to 350. Then mix together your flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda in a bowl. Don’t waste your time whisking it into oblivion or anything, as long as you give them a few good stirs with a spatula you’ll be ok.
Mix the yogurt, vanilla, milk, a 1/3 cup of grapefruit juice and 3 tablespoons of grated grapefruit peel in another bowl. Again, don’t go nuts, just whisk it for a bit.
Get out a mixer and cream together your butter and sugar. Crack the eggs and mix them in one at a time, then add in both the other bowls in alternating amounts. I’m getting to broken record status here, but don’t go measuring the amounts down to the millimeter. Just alternate until they’re both mixed in there.
Pour the batter into some cupcake liners and put them in the oven for 30 minutes.
Now it’s time to worry about your frosting.
There’s not much to this. Cream together the cream cheese and butter, then add in everything else. You want to get a nice mint green color out of this, so if it doesn’t look like that, add more food coloring. I’m colorblind, so I have no clue whether mine came out right, but the ladyfriend assures me it did. Point is, I don’t have the science down, but three drops should do it.
Make sure your cupcakes are cool, slather on some frosting, and you’re done. Add a mint leaf on top if you want to get fancy like I did at the top there, but either way you’re gonna get some deliciousness.
Of course, you gotta slather on some beats along with that frosting. It’s summer, so get in the sea with Voyage – Another World, by Yasunori Mitsuda:
This summer’s all about giving the underdog some credit. Grapefruit isn’t just that lame-ass, giant pink orange that your grandpa stabs with a weird spoon every Sunday. It’s something more. Respect the good stuff, and teach your kids a valuable lesson: lemons are old hat, and grapefruit’s about to be cool again. Stay frosty, fans.