Part VII: If You Don’t Like Dessert, I Don’t Like You

7 Apr


All ingenious ideas look absolutely stupid until they catch on.  And I’m not talking about “oh hey I dipped a french fry in a Frosty that’s pretty cool huh guys”.  That’s not ingenious.  Everyone’s done it before, and you’re not special.  I’m talking about legitimate, thoughtful culinary minditude.  Someone had the idea to cover a chicken wing in cornflakes, and they were laughed at.  Ridiculed.  People dumped those cornflakes on the fucking ground.  Called that guy Mr. Cornflake Man, because people didn’t know how to come up with clever nicknames back then.

Point is, cornflake fried chicken is goddamned amazing, and we only know that now because somebody decided to try something that looked ridiculous.  I tried peanut butter and nerds, and I tried it despite its ridiculousness, and despite my girlfriend (the one who came up with said ingenious idea) who was incessantly waving it into my face.  Tastes exactly like a crunchy-ass PB&J.  The food, that is.  Not my face.  So the food gods decreed that I make this creation into something worth talking about.  Peanut Butter and Nerds Ice Cream with Chocolate Marshmallows.  Get ready to make history.

Here’s what you need:

Ice Cream:

-1 cup creamy peanut butter (the better kind of peanut butter)

-2/3 cup sugar

-1/3 cup milk

-2/3 cup half and half

-2 cups heavy cream

-1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

-6 mini boxes Nerds

Chocolate Marshmallows:

-3/4 cup water

-1/2 cup water (there’s a reason why they’re separated, pipe down.)

-2 cups sugar

-2 tablespoons gelatin

-1/8 teaspoons salt

-1 tablespoon vanilla extract

-1/2 cup cocoa powder

-powdered sugar

Here’s how you do it:

Ice Cream:


-Put the peanut butter and sugar in a bowl, and whisk until they’re combined.  Every recipe I’ve ever seen says “whisk until smooth” when you mix any kind of butter and sugar.  It’s never smooth.  It’s never gonna be smooth, unless you think “grainy-as-shit” is smooth.  In which case you suck at textures.  Mix it until it looks like the picture and you’ll be good.

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-Whisk in the milk and half-and-half on low until it’s creamy (actually creamy this time, god forbid we should start making sense here).  It should take about 2 minutes.


-Whisk in the vanilla and heavy cream, then cover it and chill in the fridge for a couple hours.

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-Pour it all into your ice cream maker (yes, you gotta have one of those.  And you damn well should) and flip that baby on.  Put the nerds in at the end, just before it starts really firming up.



-This one’s easy.  Pour the gelatin and 1/2 cup of water into a bowl.


-Bring the other 3/4 cup of water to a slow boil (see? see how important the separating was?), then stir in the sugar until it dissolves.  Keep it on medium for another 15 minutes, and give it a stir a few times while it’s on the stove.

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-Start up the mixer, pour that sugary goodness in, and let it mix for about 30 minutes.  After a while it’ll start to come together, instead of looking like frothy garbage, which is what it’ll look like for the first 25 minutes.  Once it starts to look decent, throw that cocoa in and keep it going for another 5.


-Hey look!  Poop.


-Get yourself a baking dish and cover the bottom in wax paper.  Then butter/cooking spray/blood of a thousand sacred cows it, dust it with some powdered sugar and pour the good stuff in.

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-All you have to do now is freeze it overnight, and that’s it.  I cut mine into hearts because that’s the only cookie cutter I have.  Turns out anything I ever make has to be romantic.  Go figure.


-Toss them in some powdered sugar and you’re done.  As you can see from the picture, I didn’t put nearly enough powdered sugar, and mine look slimy and gross on the edges because of it.  Don’t just dust it over the top like it’s your last day at the glitter factory and you’re all out of who-gives-a-fucks.  Put a bunch of sugar in a bowl and coat the damn things.

Now for the music.  Sometimes you find the beat first, and save the munchables for later, and this is one of those times…I just had to find the recipe to go with it first.  Check out Passion from Yuki Oike, a track that’s smooth as peanut butter:

Don’t write this one off.  Nerds and peanut butter sounds bizarre, but so did not covering yourself with leaches, the printing press, and fire.  And look how that all turned out.  Get weird this week, readers.  See you next time.

Recipes adapted from and Eat the cookie!


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